The IRS sent the letter. They are sending my new Homebuyers Credit! I am so ready to stimulate the economy!!!!
I have a list of things I want to do. First, I'm sending my mom the money I promised myself I would. I bought some bonds, and I'm going to send those to her for her retirement gift. She wants to do exactly what our good Black President warned us repeatedly not to do: blow all her dough in Vegas!!!!!!!!!!! Don't worry B'Rock, my mom is strictly a penny slot kinda woman. She's really there to take in the air conditioning and the coladas.
Then, I have repairs to make that I haven't been able to muster the funds for. I want to get the nasty, filthy disgusting carpeting that I have hand scrubbed many times and had professionally cleaned to no avail, replaced! I want to hit the thrift stores and find frames for all of my art work. I want to find someone to hang all of my art work. I want a laptop. I want a video camera even more than a laptop. I want to pay off my car. I need a scientific calculator for Chemistry and Calculus class. I want to go to Africa. I want to rent a safe deposit box. I want to save a lot of money. I want to, singlehandedly, generate job growth!
But, it will be 9-12 weeks before that happens, so I'm just biding my time. I'm proud of myself because I had to do some proving to qualify for that credit, but I'm a meticulous record keeper. It comes from having parents who are former Black Panthers, and conspiracy theorists as a means for survival. ;) While I'm waiting, I'll do some shopping and prioritizing. I mean, it is a lot of money, but not that much... well, I don't know. I know how to make money work. I know I can do all of these things, but I won't be able to save as much as I want if I do. So, I'm going to do many of these things, lay the groundwork for others of these things, and put away 25% for savings.
Anyway, in the meantime, I am flat broke. I am counting the seconds to payday. What does Mos Def say? You can always be certain my friend, high or low, tide is always gonna come in. So, low tide right now. I'm scrounging 20 dollars so that I can contribute to pizza for my cheerleaders, tomorrow. I won't be having pizza. I am on a diet. However, they will be having pizza, and I promised I'd put something on it. I will be having lunch meat, and since avocado is on sale, I won't be splurging as I add one or two to my sandwich.
Politics.
Ah, politics.
I didn't vote in the democratic primary. Here's why.
I'm sick of democrats. Well, I must confess, though I was a full-time volunteer for the Democratic party at one point, even then I was really just interested in learning how to get someone elected to office. I'm a social liberal, but I'm a fiscal conservative, but I'm not a republican, because they aren't fiscal conservatives, either. They just funnel tax money into corporate welfare. I don't see how cutting taxes on anyone is fiscal conservatism. I see it like this: conserving money is about saving it. So, when I need to save, I tax myself higher. I take more out of my check and store it away. I don't put more into my checking account to spend.
I don't want to hear any bullshit about free market economics either. I'm in Econ right now, and if a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing, I'm a ticking time bomb. What kind of sense does it make to measure the health of an economy on the basis for production, alone. Doesn't that frigging guarantee waste?
Let me answer that for you. Yes!
So, how is generating a bunch of waste being fiscally conservative? It is not. I am so cheap that I wash out and reuse ziplock bags. I never buy tupperware. I save every plastic container until it is too gross to use, again. I reuse foil at least three or four times. My hot water has been at a drip for two months. I want it fixed, but I don't have the cash on hand to do it. And, I think to myself, at least I'm not wasting water. I am a true fiscal conservative, not some republican jerk who lives in a house far too big for his needs, heats it so high that his kids walk around in shorts in January, drives a big wasteful car that wastes lots of gas, and then complains that he has to contribute any more of the money that he'll never spend in his lifetime, and his kids can only spend through waste, when asked to help out this country of which he is supposedly so fricking fucking proud that he will have us engaged in wars that waste labor, and life, (mainly to maintain the existing balance of wealth and power because I know good and well they ain't worried about the Taliban taking away American freedom, and I'm far more scared of being killed by that republican driving home drunk and high from some Tea party after set than I am of a terrorist bombing the Southside of Chicago, and I live near the fucking armory!)
No, that is not fiscal conservatism. It is just more waste.
You know what I think? I think that a lot of social services need to be cut off of government funding. A lot of big private companies need to be cut off of it, too. I think it is great to encourage small business, but small business in this country is big business for a lot of people. But, big business has its greedy lips on the cow's teet, in the form of subsidies, tax breaks, land deals, cheap labor, and free trade agreements. Cut that shit off, too. Quit funding the military for a while. Not forever, well forever if you ask me, but just concede to cut funding for a little while. They have plenty of shit. Make them make better use of what they fucking have. Let shit go bankrupt. Let it go the way of Betamax.
My cousin called me yesterday to beg me for some money. Man before she could fix her lips to ask, I explained that I, too, was broke. I couldn't give her a thing. Then, I took the time to point out to her how much she truly had that could not be accounted for by cash flow. Two boyfriends, tax refund paid her rent to April, functioning car with full tank of gas, weed, friends to come over and party for free, food in the refrigerator, spices, clothes, quarters for laundry, good health. What the fuck did she need a hundred or two hundred dollars for? Sure, she could make good use of that money, but she didn't need it so bad she had to borrow it. She could just wait.
Just wait.
So, no, I'm not for the 3.1 trillion dollar spending whatever the fuck it is called. I wanted to see big banks go fucking broke. I want to see a lot of people sitting on big stacks go broke. They ought to. That money isn't real anyway. It is interested and promises, and they are leveraging away this society's well being on the basis of it in exchange for vacations and champagne, and iPhones and shit. Just shit! Fuck them. Let them go broke.
And yeah, I believe in free and rolling fee clinics. I believe in them deeply. And I bet you dollars to donuts, that the U.S. government could cut costs in healthcare and make those clinics the beneficiaries. The don't have to put money into those clinics. Without reviewing a single document, i know that the government can subtract money from some other entity, and those clinics will become tantalizing to a whole new market. Maybe those clinics aren't prepared for the influx, yet.
Just wait.
Just practice sound business principles. As income grows, the capacity you can serve can grow. Who will have to wait? Hey, if many people at the most wasteful end of the spectrum are already, as we well know, going to the doctor too fucking much, then they are the motherfuckers who need to fucking wait. And I wish a motherfucker would send me a fucking letter.
Punk ass politicians scared of letters. Scared of lobbyists. If I took gifts from every man who offered them to me, I'd be more beholden than the U. S. government is to China.
That is why I also think the U. S. should stop paying Congressman. Flat fucking out nothing. I bet you they'd waste a lot less time and a lot less money if they had to report for fucking work three or four days a week. Many of them spend the time they are supposed to be studying and voting on the fucking campaign trail, anyway, trying to keep their damn JOBS. Of course, they need to keep their jobs. That is how they pay for their kids iPhones. That is how they pay for their BMWs. That is how they can afford to send their mistresses cash in a fucking candy box.
What the fuck do they deserve a check for? It doesn't stop them from doing corrupt ass shit, taking bribes and gifts and vacations and shit. I promise you, Jay-Z was rapping before he was making money. If he couldn't make any money rapping, he'd probably quit, but he would do it without a check. I, actually, wouldn't be surprised if most politicians who serve would serve even if they weren't paid. Even if they couldn't do it forever, they would do it for as long as they could. Wouldn't that be great? Better than a term limit. And, think of all the money the country would save.
I'm pretty disillusioned, but I got one more thing to add before I wind this up, and no I'm not proofreading it, and no I'm not putting no pictures on here because I'm mad!
I'm so sick of people blaming shit on Barack Obama. All these fucking politicians, Barack isn't giving us an agenda, he isn't telling us what to do. I didn't vote these people in to office for Barack to tell them what to do. OBVIOUSLY because they don't do shit he says, anyway. I voted them into office to tell Barack what to do. That is the fucking point of representative fucking politics. Damn! Anyone take Civics 101?
If I spent my entire life waiting on a motherfucker to tell me what kind of decisions to make, I'd be out here like every other asshole--broke as a joke, going out the world fucking backwards. Matterfact, coming from where I'm from, if I didn't have many kids by many men, if I wasn't living in low income housing or trying to, if wasn't clocking in and clocking out of some low wage job, I'd be unemployed, dealing drugs, locked up or dead.
God made me brilliant, and if I did what everyone else did, I'd be dimming my light. I expect ingenuity and responsiveness from the elected official designated to represent my voice among all of the other districts and states in this country. Barack may have lived three blocks away from me, but his job is not to hear me. His job is to hear the representative whose job it is to hear me.
Quit being some punk ass bitches and make some fucking hard decisions. Shit, did my father run his house by waiting for the man to tell him what decisions to make or balking because he was scared we wouldn't like him? No! Did his father run his house that way? Hell no! Did my mother's father run his house that way, Hell fucking no! A leader runs his house by listening, and then making decisions that are in the long-term best interest of everyone in the house, and compromising if he has to in order to keep the family from rotting in stasis.
These politicians been reading too much Dr. Spock. They are scared of their wives falling out of favor at the Country Club. They don't know their kids so that damn IPod is so fucking important. They need that check just like everyone else, and so they are selling everyone else out to get theirs. I guess all that would be fine if they ruled only their house. But they don't. They need to be better, smarter, above it.
Fiscal conservatives. Ha! Poll this: how many republicans take the city bus in order to save money on gas? how many republicans shop at the thrift store? how many republicans wash off foil?
Barack won't tell us what to do. If they way you listen to your constituents is any testament, then it is clear, he has told you time and again. You just don't hear him.
God bless the United States for this money that I'm about to stimulate this economy with. I worked hard for it. Shit. It's my tax money. But, on the real, I'd give the money back if I thought they would invest it more wisely than I will. I know they won't. I know they won't. That is why they have conceded to these tax breaks. Because they know I'm a wiser steward of money than they are. They won't say that, but they couldn't prove otherwise.
Woo. I'm glad I got that out, World.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape
Posturing:
One of the members of the department I founded wants me out, big time! I think they all kind of want me out, but they don't want to do the work themselves. It's like, you always have to hate the manager, no matter how good a manager the person is. So, whatever to that. But, this one guy used to be the chair. He's a semi-famous jazz musician. He's got nothing to be upset about. I treat him with the utmost respect. He's starting a whispering campaign to get someone to run against me. I confront him face on whenever he does this backhanded stuff. Once he sent an e-mail to the whole department, all the Deans, and the VP saying I was talentless. I never treat him dirty. I never say a negative thing to him. I always great him brightly. He gets whatever he wants. He wants me out.
I feel you, B'Rock!
You know what, though? I'm not doing this thing to be re-elected chair. I'm trying to set this department up the right way. I'm just trying to make sure effective systems are in place, everyone has what they need, and that the department can be self sustaining. And, I don't quit. For better or worse, I hate to quit anything; I feel so low inside if I give up before I see a thing through. (I think that explains some of my really shitty relationships.) Anyway, I'm not going to quit, and I'm just going to keep plugging away at it despite the fact that I do feel wounded by his negativity.
B'Rock, my man.
The thing that kind of annoys me most, and kind of has me mad at the world, is this position staking. You know? Here things are better for him than they've been in a long time because I fight for his needs just like everyone else's. I value his opinion. I solicit his wisdom. I listen to his griping, and bitching, and moaning. He never wants to contribute anything. It's like he wins only if I lose, and he doesn't see that if I lose, we all lose. It's frustrating to deal with someone who will stonewall just because he knows that you care about his input.
Rock.
I can't even get him to be honest with me like the GOP will be with the Rock. Were I to confront him on it, he'd lie. He'd pretend like he didn't say it. Or, if he did come out his face and be honest... well, he wouldn't because he don't have shit to complain about. What could he say? Nothing. My department runs as well as any department possibly could. We didn't even have this department when he was chair, and when he was chair, he only came in two days a week, nothing got done, shit got stolen, someone was storing porn in the photo labs, there was never ink for the color printers, the kiln was broken, there was no way to show films, there were no plays, no concerts, nothing. We had nothing. My department has all of those things and a dance program, and a fax machine, and a reputation. Ask him, none of that is my doing. Because I'm talentless and holding the entire department back with my talentlessness.
Rock, my man.
It had me down this afternoon, but I been hitting the gym like what. I say my trainer this evening. After about 200 calories, I couldn't even call the man's name. I came home to see the GOP and Rock had a little back and forth, and that is so much better than posturing. That is so much better than posturing. Maybe these people can work together. I pray for civility and negotiation.
Besides, I feel good because I am well on my way to changing my entire life. Before 2020, I'm going to be a pharmacist. I feel confident and strong. What Mr. Posture doesn't know is, I'm not running the department in order to win another term. I don't even want another term. I want to focus on my Pharm D. I'm just trying to preserve my innovation. I created the department, and I want it to thrive. It must be able to do that without me or else it was all just me, anyway. I believe that, now, it will survive without me. But, to survive and thrive are two vastly different things. I've had to battle many, many people to put this department in order, and it has been hard, and I have lost the love for it. My department members can be quite thankless, selfish, self-absorbed, insensitive. Hey, they're performers and artists. They're all a bunch of divas, including Mr. Posture. I don't want to help them anymore. I want to help me.
I want a job where I can help people, think about math and science, and make a lot of money. I, actually, have as big a vision for pharmacy as I did for starting a Visual and Performing Arts Department at a 2 year college, (which I fully actualized). I explored some of these ideas in Everything Outlaws are Made of, and now I'm acting on them. We know that lots of drugs end up in our water supply. Likewise, we know that drug resistance results when people, for whatever reason, do not complete drug cycles. If people could treat themselves with natural substances, then cost wouldn't prohibit them from completing their drug therapy, and if those substances ended up in the water, the effect would be far less severe. So, I want to work with herbal drug substitutions. I want to become a pharmacist but extend my research by exploring herbal medicine. In 10 years, this will be an emerging field. And, if it isn't, I'll make it so because I'll teach people how to heal themselves. I mean, herbal medicine is the thing right now, but it is still kind of fringe.
Remember when yoga was a fringe thing in the U.S. Ever hear that song by Rupert Holmes or Jimmy Buffet, "If you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain." I love that song. But, hey, I go to a black gym on the Southside, and not only do they offer Yoga and Pilates, the weight lifters incorporate yoga stretches into their workouts. I mean, it is an accepted form of exercise. Now, people don't use it to meditate, as they ought, but it has become relatively mainstream. Herbal medicine will be that way because of water. See, medical marijuana is opening the door for open mindedness towards herbal therapies. However, it will be the water supply that forces people to find new options to these drugs that kill.
Anyway, that is what I believe. So, all that is to say, Mr. Posturing, is plotting and all for nothing. And that posturing is a killer, but I worked out for 2 1/2 hours, and I feel good, and I feel like I'm looking good, and when that cool sweat was dripping down my back I asked myself, who do I want to be? Do I want to be like him? Because if I let him igg me, and I feel like I have to sink to his level, I will be him. Unhappy, too focused on getting even, to focused on climbing at that job. It ain't about that job. It is about this life. It is about constantly growing and changing things.
So, I'm letting bossy people do them, and I'm gonna keep doing me.
Forgive the typos. I'm not drinking til I can get back into my jeans, but I have concocted my own pineapple juice, and I'm sipping and chilling and not striving for efficiency or perfection, just release.
One of the members of the department I founded wants me out, big time! I think they all kind of want me out, but they don't want to do the work themselves. It's like, you always have to hate the manager, no matter how good a manager the person is. So, whatever to that. But, this one guy used to be the chair. He's a semi-famous jazz musician. He's got nothing to be upset about. I treat him with the utmost respect. He's starting a whispering campaign to get someone to run against me. I confront him face on whenever he does this backhanded stuff. Once he sent an e-mail to the whole department, all the Deans, and the VP saying I was talentless. I never treat him dirty. I never say a negative thing to him. I always great him brightly. He gets whatever he wants. He wants me out.
I feel you, B'Rock!
You know what, though? I'm not doing this thing to be re-elected chair. I'm trying to set this department up the right way. I'm just trying to make sure effective systems are in place, everyone has what they need, and that the department can be self sustaining. And, I don't quit. For better or worse, I hate to quit anything; I feel so low inside if I give up before I see a thing through. (I think that explains some of my really shitty relationships.) Anyway, I'm not going to quit, and I'm just going to keep plugging away at it despite the fact that I do feel wounded by his negativity.
B'Rock, my man.
The thing that kind of annoys me most, and kind of has me mad at the world, is this position staking. You know? Here things are better for him than they've been in a long time because I fight for his needs just like everyone else's. I value his opinion. I solicit his wisdom. I listen to his griping, and bitching, and moaning. He never wants to contribute anything. It's like he wins only if I lose, and he doesn't see that if I lose, we all lose. It's frustrating to deal with someone who will stonewall just because he knows that you care about his input.
Rock.
I can't even get him to be honest with me like the GOP will be with the Rock. Were I to confront him on it, he'd lie. He'd pretend like he didn't say it. Or, if he did come out his face and be honest... well, he wouldn't because he don't have shit to complain about. What could he say? Nothing. My department runs as well as any department possibly could. We didn't even have this department when he was chair, and when he was chair, he only came in two days a week, nothing got done, shit got stolen, someone was storing porn in the photo labs, there was never ink for the color printers, the kiln was broken, there was no way to show films, there were no plays, no concerts, nothing. We had nothing. My department has all of those things and a dance program, and a fax machine, and a reputation. Ask him, none of that is my doing. Because I'm talentless and holding the entire department back with my talentlessness.
Rock, my man.
It had me down this afternoon, but I been hitting the gym like what. I say my trainer this evening. After about 200 calories, I couldn't even call the man's name. I came home to see the GOP and Rock had a little back and forth, and that is so much better than posturing. That is so much better than posturing. Maybe these people can work together. I pray for civility and negotiation.
Besides, I feel good because I am well on my way to changing my entire life. Before 2020, I'm going to be a pharmacist. I feel confident and strong. What Mr. Posture doesn't know is, I'm not running the department in order to win another term. I don't even want another term. I want to focus on my Pharm D. I'm just trying to preserve my innovation. I created the department, and I want it to thrive. It must be able to do that without me or else it was all just me, anyway. I believe that, now, it will survive without me. But, to survive and thrive are two vastly different things. I've had to battle many, many people to put this department in order, and it has been hard, and I have lost the love for it. My department members can be quite thankless, selfish, self-absorbed, insensitive. Hey, they're performers and artists. They're all a bunch of divas, including Mr. Posture. I don't want to help them anymore. I want to help me.
I want a job where I can help people, think about math and science, and make a lot of money. I, actually, have as big a vision for pharmacy as I did for starting a Visual and Performing Arts Department at a 2 year college, (which I fully actualized). I explored some of these ideas in Everything Outlaws are Made of, and now I'm acting on them. We know that lots of drugs end up in our water supply. Likewise, we know that drug resistance results when people, for whatever reason, do not complete drug cycles. If people could treat themselves with natural substances, then cost wouldn't prohibit them from completing their drug therapy, and if those substances ended up in the water, the effect would be far less severe. So, I want to work with herbal drug substitutions. I want to become a pharmacist but extend my research by exploring herbal medicine. In 10 years, this will be an emerging field. And, if it isn't, I'll make it so because I'll teach people how to heal themselves. I mean, herbal medicine is the thing right now, but it is still kind of fringe.
Remember when yoga was a fringe thing in the U.S. Ever hear that song by Rupert Holmes or Jimmy Buffet, "If you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain." I love that song. But, hey, I go to a black gym on the Southside, and not only do they offer Yoga and Pilates, the weight lifters incorporate yoga stretches into their workouts. I mean, it is an accepted form of exercise. Now, people don't use it to meditate, as they ought, but it has become relatively mainstream. Herbal medicine will be that way because of water. See, medical marijuana is opening the door for open mindedness towards herbal therapies. However, it will be the water supply that forces people to find new options to these drugs that kill.
Anyway, that is what I believe. So, all that is to say, Mr. Posturing, is plotting and all for nothing. And that posturing is a killer, but I worked out for 2 1/2 hours, and I feel good, and I feel like I'm looking good, and when that cool sweat was dripping down my back I asked myself, who do I want to be? Do I want to be like him? Because if I let him igg me, and I feel like I have to sink to his level, I will be him. Unhappy, too focused on getting even, to focused on climbing at that job. It ain't about that job. It is about this life. It is about constantly growing and changing things.
So, I'm letting bossy people do them, and I'm gonna keep doing me.
Forgive the typos. I'm not drinking til I can get back into my jeans, but I have concocted my own pineapple juice, and I'm sipping and chilling and not striving for efficiency or perfection, just release.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Whatever don't kill me, makes me tougher
First of all, I got a comment. Let me just start with that. My commenter has a name that I cannot inscribe because I don't have the characters on my keyboard. I thank him profusely, nonetheless. I am proud to host a world surfer, like yourself, on my blog.
Happy News.
But, I'm blogging this evening to do something I try never to do and always hate to do, rant about my guy.
First things first, Haiti: I sent all my little cash to Wycleff. I pray he is trustworthy. I don't mind being deceived as much as I'd be hurt if the relief money didn't for those in need. I overheard someone at the gym saying something I believe. The other evening, a radio interviewee on NPR repeated the thought. Although it is cold comfort, this may prove to be a wonderful opportunity to rebuild Haiti with proper funding, well constructed structures, and modern technologies.
I heard a lot of interviewers talking about how much Haiti needs people to return to rural communities and become farmers, but no one wants to live that life anymore. The same thing is going on in countries all over the world, including the U.S. I think part of the issue is access to modern amenities, and that is going to change because they are rebuilding Port Au Prince. However, Port Au Prince is an extremely crowded space; that's evident from the photos. Most big cities are; certainly, Chicago is. In a space that small, with so many people fighting for limited resources, urban planning takes on new importance. Perhaps some people will return to a rural life. My guy grew up on a farm, and if he wanted for us to move back and live on a farm, I would. I've always wanted to live on a farm. He hates the city. But, like many people who live and migrated to Port Au Prince, I love big city life, too. I love that throng of people. I love the smells, sounds, sights, scents, and sensations of the throngs of humanity surviving, living, and flourishing in the big city.
While people fight to drag each other out of rubble, people starve and thirst waiting for relief food and water, people sleep in the streets and defend themselves from looters, what does it mean to them that something glorious could come from all of this? But, it can. Those extant institutions were creating an impediment to progress--there was no good excuse to replace them and it cost money to destroy them. Now things must be replaced, rebuilt, regenerated.
I have a special concern for people who were trapped under rubble or injured by falling rock. No doubt, an earthquake makes it hard for people to trust that the very earth upon which they stand will support them. I can only imagine, then, the paranoia, claustrophobia, agoraphobia, post traumatic stress disorder, rage, fear, despair, mania that results from being trapped in a confined space for days--trying to push yourself, scratch yourself, dig yourself out of what each moment you grow more certain will be your grave. How will this generation of people be affected by their experience with the earthquake. A lot of very romantic literature suggests that part of the reason that Japan invaded Manchurian China in 1931 was in response to the great earthquake in Tokyo in the year 1923. The argument of these books goes that the Japanese were so traumatized by the amount of damage the earthquake did to the island nation, that as part of the recovery, they scrambled to occupy a large land mass that felt stable and safe by comparison. China having a weak central authority at that time, and being under siege by so many outside sources, was in poor position, initially, to mobilize and defend Manchuria. Thus, Japan was able to establish Manchukuo. I don't know how true it is that Japan invaded China because they were traumatized by the earthquake, but one must believe that a people who survive a natural disaster are changed as a result.
But, again, change can be good. Sometimes people find their faith in themselves and each other renewed when they can overcome a great obstacle, especially when they do it with the aid and in the spirit of community. Certainly, the international community has shown their love and respect for Haiti. I, as an african-american, have great esteem for Haiti and the history of the country. I claim Haiti's history as my own because, if not for Toussaint L'ouverture and his exploitation of an over-extended Napoleon, I wonder how much further from emancipation any african in the diaspora would be. So, he is mine, as well. It hurts to see the state of Haiti when it holds so much importance in our history and so much meaning in my heart. But, that story isn't one that inspires only africans in the diaspora. It is a story of faith, courage, wit, and survival, and it touches anyone who hears it. The world rushes to aid Haiti not out of pity but out of reverence. If Haiti can recover and, in fact, be better for the aid received during this time, then that would bring great meaning to these losses.
I have taught a few students who came to Chicago after Hurricane Katrina devastated their homes. They never talk about the things we heard on the news--waiting on top of buildings, looters in the street, starving or thirsting for aid. What most of them talk about is how much their lives have changed since leaving New Orleans. Though they never anticipated it, having to start over forced them to rebuild themselves, and they feel stronger for it.
This has been a tough year, already. I predicted it would be so, but I said that good would come of it. I've been using my weight gain and health as a metaphor for all of it. Last year was so hard, in the beginning, that my weight plummeted. My savings were lean. I was cashing in the change in my coin jar. I had given so much to so many people and gotten so little, sometimes nothing in return, that I felt angry and used. At my nadir, my health was dangerously low, and I ended up in the hospital. But, I was admitted to the hospital during my family reunion, and at that time, I felt both afraid, but, also, very, very safe. I was surrounded by the widest circle of love I could possibly know.
After that time, I began to re-evaluate, and I think I swung too far to the opposite pole. I pulled back drastically on exercise. I ate without any sense of discipline, because I truly had no sense of discipline. I had been overly strict, and I could not gauge what was appropriate. I began stockpiling money. I had this great new love with whom I was deeply infatuated. I got fat.
Getting fat was fun, but being fat is not. I have, already, been to the doctor's office this year. I have been prescribed medicines. I have had pinched nerves. And, I am becoming, quickly, un-infatuated with my new love. It is good, though. I know the extremes, so now I can chart a course down the middle.
Working out is going well. I can't tell you how much I weigh because my trainer made me hide my scale and commit not to look at it for a month. I have been working out very hard, though, and I have been eating every three hours. I track my calories on Sparkpeople. I am getting, consistently, about 1375 calories a day. He wants me at 1800, but I can't get to 1800. I can't eat that many grapes, that much salad, that much lean meat. I already eat as much of those things as I can, but if I'm going to eat not to be full, not to be hungry, I can't eat much more. But, at least, I don't have any days where I am eating way too little--800 or 900 calories, and no days where I am smashing all day, Harold's, Uncle Joes, Valois, All You Can Eat Sushi Buffet, and getting 2000 or more calories. My trainer's work outs are a killer, and I started back to work this week, so I'm having trouble working out every day. I used to work out every day, but I never ever broke a sweat in most of those work outs--even burning 500 or 600 calories. But his work outs? I'm sweating after burning 80 calories, and he wants me burning 500. Then, after we burn the 500, we do weights for an hour and a half! Man, this is what I wanted, and I'm getting it. It is hard, right now, but I am anxious for the day when I welcome it. Hopefully, I will find that I can maintain work outs like these for a long time, but we'll see. Maybe he'll change my work outs after the first month. He thinks I'm actually going to gain but lose inches, which he finds more desirable than losing pounds. I want to lose pounds, and I really want to lose muscle if I must. So, I think, ultimately, we're going to trim down the work out considerably. I feel better, though. I feel about a quarter of an inch less fat, and everyone at work keeps telling me how great I look, so I know that a lot of the weight I have gained has been muscle. I know that, also, because my weight is higher than it has been in almost a decade, but I'm still wearing the same size clothes. They fit a little tighter in the seat and the thigh, but they all still zip and button.
I'm not just going back to work. I'm also going back to school. Jaguar Wright advises, "if you don't like your job, maybe you should quit, stop being a bitch, maybe you should quit, and love yourself. If you believe things can work out easily" I hated my job, last year. I love students, and I'm a good Professor, but I'm growing and changing, and I don't want to be doing this for a lot longer. I want to do more direct service. I thought hard about starting a school and a children's home, and I haven't abandoned those things, but I don't want to do those things, now. So, I have decided to become a pharmacist. I can take all of my pre-pharmacy credits at the college where I teach for $75.00 a semester, plus lab fees. It will take me three years, taken two classes each semester and two in the summer. I won't have to quit my job or anything, and when I enter my Pharm D, program, If I keep at the same pace, I can finish those credits in 3 or 4 years. I do one year of residency after that. Ultimately, it will only take me a year or two to go part-time than full time. I have two classes: Chemistry 201, taught by my favorite witch doctor, Professor Ferguson, and Econ 201, taught by the man formerly known as the man formerly known as the man formerly known as my crush.
I know, I have class with a guy who just dumped me about six months ago by text message. Sigh. I had to take it. He's the only one who teaches it. I know his class is a gut. I figured, I might as well bite the fucking bullet, and get it out of the way. It was the only other class that fit my schedule, that I knew I could pass with an A, and I want to focus primarily on this Chemistry, and I want to have a 4.0 GPA going into the Pharm D because I really want to earn some kind of scholarship, and I want to be able to go to UIC, if I want, because they have one of the best programs in the country. Lots of stuff. Once I get the PharmD, I'm going to add with coursework in herbal pharmacy. I think I'll breeze through Econ. It is an intro class, first of all. Second, I have a masterful mind for the workings of money. It will be fine. I won't need any help from him. He cancels at least four classes a semester, so I'm gravy on that end. He gives away the book for free--God bless his @$$. He doesn't have any papers, only in class tests. Plus, he dumped me by text message. I think I deserve some guilt points.
I think I'm going to do well in the pharmacy program. I feel very confident about all my course work. I'm excited to really understand and deeply know what will be taught. I want to be a masterful pharmacist. And I am mature. I feel stronger as a learner than I did as a kid. I was a brilliant kid, but I was very distracted. I think that while I was a pothead, I numbed a few brain cells, but those buds are functioning at high levels, right now. So, I'm just as smart, but wiser and more patient. And, I don't have to quit my job. So I don't have to be broke, or live in a dorm, or rush to graduate. If it takes more than 7 or 8 years, cool. But, 10 years from now, I can transition into a career where I make way more money than I ever would where I am without a PhD. I don't have to get a PhD, which I consider useless for my current fields--writing, humanities, english. I mean, it might help me get a job at a University, but that field is totally flooded with candidates, and I don't need it to know more. I just need it to prove something. Whereas, I don't know anything about Pharmacy, and I don't have the background to learn those things on my own or access to the proper resources for study. I can go to a library and read more about Nietzsche, but I can't go to a hospital and just start practicing drug treatments on sick people. Yeah, I know, the American government does it all the time, but not for free, on just like a library card.
Long post, huh. I'm just now getting to the thing that is really bugging me. My boyfriend has PSS--Post Season Syndrome. He has been such a jerk, lately! I hardly heard from him all Christmas because he was with his family. Now, I was mad as shit about not hearing from him, but he is one of nearly a dozen, so I know I don't understand, and I know I won't understand unless I meet them all at once. So, I'm trying to be understanding, trying real hard because I am not succeeding much. Now Christmas is over but his phone is acting shitty. Okay, so I'm not hearing from him, again. We have a long distance thing, and with the long distance thing a phone call is like a date. I hate long distance things. So, if a phone call is like a date, then lately, instead of hitting the steak house, we been whipping through the McDonald's drive through. I'm talking not even Wendy's because it is too far out of the way! And, just when you think things might settle down, what? Play offs. Total shut down. And talking to him about it is nearly impossible because he's not going to answer his phone during the game, and he is irrational about his behavior when it comes to the game, just as I am during my period.
My paranoia is setting in, and I'm feeling like, oh gosh we're gonna break up, he's seeing someone else, things are changing, but no bad interaction between us could have instigated the change. We were doves in love until he left for Christmas break, and since then I have heard from him once a week. That is frigging unacceptable, and I want to have a fight about it, but what is there to fight about? I mean, if someone don't want to talk to you because he'd rather do something else, how is fighting going to make him want to talk to you more? And, you can't make someone talk to you or spend time with you or anything. You can try, but it won't work in the long run. And, I noticed this when I was writing about this in my other diary, the only one feeling like maybe our shit isn't working, right now, is me. He is happy as a lamb. He doesn't like that I'm pissed, and he's always afraid he's going to walk into a fight about the shit, but he isn't giving me any I want to leave indications, whatsoever. The only one feeling like fuck this shit is me.
But, the other part of me is like, how can you break up just because the infatuation is ending? I mean, the infatuation must end, at some point. So, I'm trying to be patient, trying because I'm not succeeding much, and letting the shit play itself out. I mean, I can say this much, I never had a relationship that got boring because they don't usually last long enough to get boring. So, I've seen couples who have been together for years, and I know that their relationship have changed, and there are times when they'd rather not be around each other. I think that is an inevitable stage of all relationship. Likewise, there is always a healthy fear that someone could steal your love away. I don't think your partner should drive you to jealousy, but you shouldn't fail to recognize what you've got until its gone.
Even my love tarot said that my relationship was taking an unpredictable turn, but if I am patient, I will be pleased with the outcome.
Well, I'm going to end this on a high note, especially since it has been, almost three hours, and I need to whip up something to eat. Much love to the world. Yele to Haiti. Go Cowboys.
(forgive the typos, this time. i gotta get something to eat.)
Happy News.
But, I'm blogging this evening to do something I try never to do and always hate to do, rant about my guy.
First things first, Haiti: I sent all my little cash to Wycleff. I pray he is trustworthy. I don't mind being deceived as much as I'd be hurt if the relief money didn't for those in need. I overheard someone at the gym saying something I believe. The other evening, a radio interviewee on NPR repeated the thought. Although it is cold comfort, this may prove to be a wonderful opportunity to rebuild Haiti with proper funding, well constructed structures, and modern technologies.
I heard a lot of interviewers talking about how much Haiti needs people to return to rural communities and become farmers, but no one wants to live that life anymore. The same thing is going on in countries all over the world, including the U.S. I think part of the issue is access to modern amenities, and that is going to change because they are rebuilding Port Au Prince. However, Port Au Prince is an extremely crowded space; that's evident from the photos. Most big cities are; certainly, Chicago is. In a space that small, with so many people fighting for limited resources, urban planning takes on new importance. Perhaps some people will return to a rural life. My guy grew up on a farm, and if he wanted for us to move back and live on a farm, I would. I've always wanted to live on a farm. He hates the city. But, like many people who live and migrated to Port Au Prince, I love big city life, too. I love that throng of people. I love the smells, sounds, sights, scents, and sensations of the throngs of humanity surviving, living, and flourishing in the big city.
While people fight to drag each other out of rubble, people starve and thirst waiting for relief food and water, people sleep in the streets and defend themselves from looters, what does it mean to them that something glorious could come from all of this? But, it can. Those extant institutions were creating an impediment to progress--there was no good excuse to replace them and it cost money to destroy them. Now things must be replaced, rebuilt, regenerated.
I have a special concern for people who were trapped under rubble or injured by falling rock. No doubt, an earthquake makes it hard for people to trust that the very earth upon which they stand will support them. I can only imagine, then, the paranoia, claustrophobia, agoraphobia, post traumatic stress disorder, rage, fear, despair, mania that results from being trapped in a confined space for days--trying to push yourself, scratch yourself, dig yourself out of what each moment you grow more certain will be your grave. How will this generation of people be affected by their experience with the earthquake. A lot of very romantic literature suggests that part of the reason that Japan invaded Manchurian China in 1931 was in response to the great earthquake in Tokyo in the year 1923. The argument of these books goes that the Japanese were so traumatized by the amount of damage the earthquake did to the island nation, that as part of the recovery, they scrambled to occupy a large land mass that felt stable and safe by comparison. China having a weak central authority at that time, and being under siege by so many outside sources, was in poor position, initially, to mobilize and defend Manchuria. Thus, Japan was able to establish Manchukuo. I don't know how true it is that Japan invaded China because they were traumatized by the earthquake, but one must believe that a people who survive a natural disaster are changed as a result.
But, again, change can be good. Sometimes people find their faith in themselves and each other renewed when they can overcome a great obstacle, especially when they do it with the aid and in the spirit of community. Certainly, the international community has shown their love and respect for Haiti. I, as an african-american, have great esteem for Haiti and the history of the country. I claim Haiti's history as my own because, if not for Toussaint L'ouverture and his exploitation of an over-extended Napoleon, I wonder how much further from emancipation any african in the diaspora would be. So, he is mine, as well. It hurts to see the state of Haiti when it holds so much importance in our history and so much meaning in my heart. But, that story isn't one that inspires only africans in the diaspora. It is a story of faith, courage, wit, and survival, and it touches anyone who hears it. The world rushes to aid Haiti not out of pity but out of reverence. If Haiti can recover and, in fact, be better for the aid received during this time, then that would bring great meaning to these losses.
I have taught a few students who came to Chicago after Hurricane Katrina devastated their homes. They never talk about the things we heard on the news--waiting on top of buildings, looters in the street, starving or thirsting for aid. What most of them talk about is how much their lives have changed since leaving New Orleans. Though they never anticipated it, having to start over forced them to rebuild themselves, and they feel stronger for it.
This has been a tough year, already. I predicted it would be so, but I said that good would come of it. I've been using my weight gain and health as a metaphor for all of it. Last year was so hard, in the beginning, that my weight plummeted. My savings were lean. I was cashing in the change in my coin jar. I had given so much to so many people and gotten so little, sometimes nothing in return, that I felt angry and used. At my nadir, my health was dangerously low, and I ended up in the hospital. But, I was admitted to the hospital during my family reunion, and at that time, I felt both afraid, but, also, very, very safe. I was surrounded by the widest circle of love I could possibly know.
After that time, I began to re-evaluate, and I think I swung too far to the opposite pole. I pulled back drastically on exercise. I ate without any sense of discipline, because I truly had no sense of discipline. I had been overly strict, and I could not gauge what was appropriate. I began stockpiling money. I had this great new love with whom I was deeply infatuated. I got fat.
Getting fat was fun, but being fat is not. I have, already, been to the doctor's office this year. I have been prescribed medicines. I have had pinched nerves. And, I am becoming, quickly, un-infatuated with my new love. It is good, though. I know the extremes, so now I can chart a course down the middle.
Working out is going well. I can't tell you how much I weigh because my trainer made me hide my scale and commit not to look at it for a month. I have been working out very hard, though, and I have been eating every three hours. I track my calories on Sparkpeople. I am getting, consistently, about 1375 calories a day. He wants me at 1800, but I can't get to 1800. I can't eat that many grapes, that much salad, that much lean meat. I already eat as much of those things as I can, but if I'm going to eat not to be full, not to be hungry, I can't eat much more. But, at least, I don't have any days where I am eating way too little--800 or 900 calories, and no days where I am smashing all day, Harold's, Uncle Joes, Valois, All You Can Eat Sushi Buffet, and getting 2000 or more calories. My trainer's work outs are a killer, and I started back to work this week, so I'm having trouble working out every day. I used to work out every day, but I never ever broke a sweat in most of those work outs--even burning 500 or 600 calories. But his work outs? I'm sweating after burning 80 calories, and he wants me burning 500. Then, after we burn the 500, we do weights for an hour and a half! Man, this is what I wanted, and I'm getting it. It is hard, right now, but I am anxious for the day when I welcome it. Hopefully, I will find that I can maintain work outs like these for a long time, but we'll see. Maybe he'll change my work outs after the first month. He thinks I'm actually going to gain but lose inches, which he finds more desirable than losing pounds. I want to lose pounds, and I really want to lose muscle if I must. So, I think, ultimately, we're going to trim down the work out considerably. I feel better, though. I feel about a quarter of an inch less fat, and everyone at work keeps telling me how great I look, so I know that a lot of the weight I have gained has been muscle. I know that, also, because my weight is higher than it has been in almost a decade, but I'm still wearing the same size clothes. They fit a little tighter in the seat and the thigh, but they all still zip and button.
I'm not just going back to work. I'm also going back to school. Jaguar Wright advises, "if you don't like your job, maybe you should quit, stop being a bitch, maybe you should quit, and love yourself. If you believe things can work out easily" I hated my job, last year. I love students, and I'm a good Professor, but I'm growing and changing, and I don't want to be doing this for a lot longer. I want to do more direct service. I thought hard about starting a school and a children's home, and I haven't abandoned those things, but I don't want to do those things, now. So, I have decided to become a pharmacist. I can take all of my pre-pharmacy credits at the college where I teach for $75.00 a semester, plus lab fees. It will take me three years, taken two classes each semester and two in the summer. I won't have to quit my job or anything, and when I enter my Pharm D, program, If I keep at the same pace, I can finish those credits in 3 or 4 years. I do one year of residency after that. Ultimately, it will only take me a year or two to go part-time than full time. I have two classes: Chemistry 201, taught by my favorite witch doctor, Professor Ferguson, and Econ 201, taught by the man formerly known as the man formerly known as the man formerly known as my crush.
I know, I have class with a guy who just dumped me about six months ago by text message. Sigh. I had to take it. He's the only one who teaches it. I know his class is a gut. I figured, I might as well bite the fucking bullet, and get it out of the way. It was the only other class that fit my schedule, that I knew I could pass with an A, and I want to focus primarily on this Chemistry, and I want to have a 4.0 GPA going into the Pharm D because I really want to earn some kind of scholarship, and I want to be able to go to UIC, if I want, because they have one of the best programs in the country. Lots of stuff. Once I get the PharmD, I'm going to add with coursework in herbal pharmacy. I think I'll breeze through Econ. It is an intro class, first of all. Second, I have a masterful mind for the workings of money. It will be fine. I won't need any help from him. He cancels at least four classes a semester, so I'm gravy on that end. He gives away the book for free--God bless his @$$. He doesn't have any papers, only in class tests. Plus, he dumped me by text message. I think I deserve some guilt points.
I think I'm going to do well in the pharmacy program. I feel very confident about all my course work. I'm excited to really understand and deeply know what will be taught. I want to be a masterful pharmacist. And I am mature. I feel stronger as a learner than I did as a kid. I was a brilliant kid, but I was very distracted. I think that while I was a pothead, I numbed a few brain cells, but those buds are functioning at high levels, right now. So, I'm just as smart, but wiser and more patient. And, I don't have to quit my job. So I don't have to be broke, or live in a dorm, or rush to graduate. If it takes more than 7 or 8 years, cool. But, 10 years from now, I can transition into a career where I make way more money than I ever would where I am without a PhD. I don't have to get a PhD, which I consider useless for my current fields--writing, humanities, english. I mean, it might help me get a job at a University, but that field is totally flooded with candidates, and I don't need it to know more. I just need it to prove something. Whereas, I don't know anything about Pharmacy, and I don't have the background to learn those things on my own or access to the proper resources for study. I can go to a library and read more about Nietzsche, but I can't go to a hospital and just start practicing drug treatments on sick people. Yeah, I know, the American government does it all the time, but not for free, on just like a library card.
Long post, huh. I'm just now getting to the thing that is really bugging me. My boyfriend has PSS--Post Season Syndrome. He has been such a jerk, lately! I hardly heard from him all Christmas because he was with his family. Now, I was mad as shit about not hearing from him, but he is one of nearly a dozen, so I know I don't understand, and I know I won't understand unless I meet them all at once. So, I'm trying to be understanding, trying real hard because I am not succeeding much. Now Christmas is over but his phone is acting shitty. Okay, so I'm not hearing from him, again. We have a long distance thing, and with the long distance thing a phone call is like a date. I hate long distance things. So, if a phone call is like a date, then lately, instead of hitting the steak house, we been whipping through the McDonald's drive through. I'm talking not even Wendy's because it is too far out of the way! And, just when you think things might settle down, what? Play offs. Total shut down. And talking to him about it is nearly impossible because he's not going to answer his phone during the game, and he is irrational about his behavior when it comes to the game, just as I am during my period.
My paranoia is setting in, and I'm feeling like, oh gosh we're gonna break up, he's seeing someone else, things are changing, but no bad interaction between us could have instigated the change. We were doves in love until he left for Christmas break, and since then I have heard from him once a week. That is frigging unacceptable, and I want to have a fight about it, but what is there to fight about? I mean, if someone don't want to talk to you because he'd rather do something else, how is fighting going to make him want to talk to you more? And, you can't make someone talk to you or spend time with you or anything. You can try, but it won't work in the long run. And, I noticed this when I was writing about this in my other diary, the only one feeling like maybe our shit isn't working, right now, is me. He is happy as a lamb. He doesn't like that I'm pissed, and he's always afraid he's going to walk into a fight about the shit, but he isn't giving me any I want to leave indications, whatsoever. The only one feeling like fuck this shit is me.
But, the other part of me is like, how can you break up just because the infatuation is ending? I mean, the infatuation must end, at some point. So, I'm trying to be patient, trying because I'm not succeeding much, and letting the shit play itself out. I mean, I can say this much, I never had a relationship that got boring because they don't usually last long enough to get boring. So, I've seen couples who have been together for years, and I know that their relationship have changed, and there are times when they'd rather not be around each other. I think that is an inevitable stage of all relationship. Likewise, there is always a healthy fear that someone could steal your love away. I don't think your partner should drive you to jealousy, but you shouldn't fail to recognize what you've got until its gone.
Even my love tarot said that my relationship was taking an unpredictable turn, but if I am patient, I will be pleased with the outcome.
Well, I'm going to end this on a high note, especially since it has been, almost three hours, and I need to whip up something to eat. Much love to the world. Yele to Haiti. Go Cowboys.
(forgive the typos, this time. i gotta get something to eat.)
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