Then, something big happened.
Something big is happening. The Guy doesn't know the half.
What The Guy does know:
My ex is coming to town. You know that, World. This is Mr. I-Don't-Love-You-and-I-Never-Will. I should start calling him Mr. I-Haven't-Forgot-You-and-I-Never-Will. We're supposed to get together Saturday.
What The Guy doesn't know:
The security guard at work who I have been thinking is so hot, confessed to me that I am his secret crush! I did and didn't see this coming. He been staring me down and making sex faces, but he took it up a notch, this summer, when he told me his salary; between his two jobs, $122,000 a year. He told me about his house, and the renovations he wants to do. Then, he told me how much he paid in taxes, about half my salary. He started wearing this Superman S on his neck, so I asked him was he Superman. Now, he calls me Lois Lane. Thursday, as I'm climbing the stairs, he calls after me that I'm his secret crush. Okay, except he yelled it up the stairwell, which would make it not a secret, but he's not dumb, he just sounds dumb. He's not dumb, and he's so hot! Love 'em and leave 'em hot. Untrustworthy. He's so hot.
What The Guy does know, and I think broke his heart a little:
So, one of the Invincible Nine contacted everyone out the blue. He published a book. He asked me was I married, yet. It was real public, a mass e-mail, so I thought he was teasing me for seeming desperate. So, I replied, mass e-mail, that I was waiting for him to propose. The Guy doesn't know all that part, but then I9 e-mails me, privately, and invites me to join him for a trip to Mexico during the holidays. Don't get too excited; I think I have to pay my own way. But, still... I want to go. I want to get away, and be somewhere scenic and romantic with a cute guy. He's real cute. Smart, nice, real even temperament. But, I told him no. But, he hasn't taken no for an answer.
So, I figured I ought to feel out The Guy, especially after the greeting card incident. I brought it up all nonchalant. The Guy paced his response, and when I said I probably wasn't going to go, he started to diss the whole idea.
"Who, out the blue, asks someone to go to Mexico? And you haven't had any contact with him?"
I said, no, and that it was like something out of a story book.
The Guy said, "well, what do story books have to do with real life?"
I said, "they improve on them." I didn't mean to hurt The Guy's feelings. And I don't know if I did or didn't, but I followed up, "So we should go away to Mexico around Christmas." Then The Guy said he couldn't. He was spending Christmas with his family. Maybe we could see each other after the 1st of the year. Was that too far away? I bet he could hear me thinking, well shit, I might as well go to Mexico.
I'm not going to Mexico because it would be wrong of me. I wrote about it in my diary. I meditated. I prayed.
Still, The Guy doesn't seem to get it, does he? You know, there will always be a next man. I get that, but does he? You know I go out of my way. You know I do all I can. You know I try in every way to make him feel special. Why does it require a confrontation before he considers me?
I9 said he was putting my guy on notice.
The Guy said he'd call me back when he got home, but I knew he was lying when he said it. I can't reach him because he can't get a signal in his crib, so when he said he'd call me back, we both knew he probably wouldn't be able to. I really believe that he didn't call me back because his feelings are hurt, and he's scared I'm going to change my mind and go to Mexico with I9.
Eh, who is to say that I9 would like me once he really got involved with me? I mean, I'm great, but I'm real emotional. I avoid conflict. I'm not as communicative as I should be. I'm downright secretive. My friends are bitchy. I screen all my calls. When my boyfriends make me mad, I blog about them. I'm cheap. I forget to flush the toilet, sometimes. I drool in my sleep. If I have a bad dream, I might wet the bed. I sleep with a baby doll. I'm a paranoid conspiracy theorist. Don't get me wrong, there are lots more great things about me than bad ones--in fact, this list is pretty exhaustive, but who is to say that for I9, the good would outweigh the bad? And I would have traded my budding relationship with The Guy and lost out. And The Guy is far from perfect, but he seems to really care deeply for me. He's funny, and I like talking to him. He gives good advice. If things don't work out with The Guy, I will feel like crap for passing up this trip with I9, but, again, there will always be a next man.
Busses--miss one, next fifteen one coming.
Well, I don't want to keep transferring and heading in this direction and that. I want to settle in for a long ride with The Guy I got, but I can't make him appreciate me. I can't make him want to spend Christmas with me, and I'm not going to fight him about it. What for? If I let him do what he do, I won't ever wonder how he really feels or where I truly stand. But I can't feel guilty because someone else has, effectively, put The Guy on notice. He ought to had been known.
Hey, let me just stay on notice. I'm good, but whatever I be, it is not for me to be the same all the time. I don't want The Guy upset with me, but he might need to be upset because he been off his act right. I wish I could say I loved him, but I don't trust him enough to say that. I do feel very loyal to him, and when I feel strongly tempted, I try to turn to him. Today, he turned away.
Greedy love, can never have enough.
